The Adventures of 2 Old People, Vol 1
by silverhippie
Summary: Two old people in middle-earth. Dear me! PG for language. PLEASE REVEIW!!! I NEED THEM!!! Chapter 2 up. I think I took long enough...
1. Default Chapter

The Adventures of Two Old People Volume 1  
  
Disclaimer: I'm not copying. Who ever heard of 2 old people like these in Middle-Earth? I own the idea.  
  
Chapter 1 - Square Roots, Mary Sue, and a drug addict  
  
&%&%&%&%&%&%&%&%&%&%&%&%&%&%&%&%&  
  
It was a cold, gloomy, rainy night and an old couple, Ray and Fannie May Pinner were in their home in Louisiana with two of their grandchildren, Kate, age 9, and Chen, age 6. Ray was in the living room, explaining square roots to Chen.  
  
"So, you see, sonny,"  
  
he said,  
  
"Three is the square root of nine. All you have to do is think, Sonny."  
  
Chen had no interest whatsoever, but was perplexed non-the less. What the heck was a square root?  
  
"What's a square root, Grandpa?"  
  
he asked.  
  
"Well, Sonny,"  
  
replied the old man, "If you take nine and divide it by four, you get three, and that's the square root. But how do we know this? Well..."  
  
Meanwhile, in the kitchen, Fannie May was chatting with Kate about some distant relative.  
  
"So then, she just up and ran off on him. He never deserved her, anyway, but he should have kept his son. Now the boy won't even talk to the man. Poor guy..."  
  
She clamored on and on and on, until Kate fell asleep. She woke up to find Fanny screaming and Ray shuffling into the kitchen.  
  
"RAY! RAY!"  
  
shouted the woman.  
  
"It's the drug addict! Get 'im away from!"  
  
"Fanny, you're just hallucinating! Now, let me explain how they work..."  
  
Ray then went into one of his nice, long, lectures about hallucinations. They didn't noticed that they were disappearing... 


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2 - The Council, Golfing Lessons, Leaving Rivendell and a Great Need for Reviews!!  
  
Thank you to the one nice person who reviewed. You know, if I get one review per chapter, I'll get a total of about six reviews. WOW!!!  
  
&%&%&%&%&%&%&%&%&%&%&%&%&%&%&%&%&%&%&%&%&%&%&%&%&%&%  
  
Ray and Fannie kept falling. Ray kept lecturing. Fannie May kept cursing.  
  
"Ray, you d**m j**k-a*s! You got us taken by that d**m drug addict!"  
  
"So, you see, Fannie," said Ray, "Hallucinations are really just our imaginations at work. But, now, what are imaginations?"  
  
So they went, on and on, until they crashed through a roof, landing on a table with lots of pretty red shingles on them. Ray had his shirt over his face and his beer belly hanging out. Fannie had her skirt over her head and her bladder working quickly to form a puddle around her in the table. Ray, pulling his shirt over his stomach, had a silly grin.  
  
"Look...at...all...the...pretty...elves...and...dwarves...and...men...and... hobbits...and...the...pretty... ring...WAIT! MY RING! MY PRECIOUS! MY DARLING PRECIOUS BABY!!!!!!"  
  
Ray then ran off with the Ring, laughing hysterically. Fannie was looking about her and at her yellow, reeking, wet skirt and wailed. A man walked up cautiously to comfort her - his blue eyes watering from the stench of urine.  
  
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"  
  
screamed Fannie.  
  
"RAY!! HELP! IT'S THE DRUG ADDICT! HEEELLLLLLPPPP!!"  
  
Ray hurries into the gazebo.  
  
"Sorry, Fannie," he said, "I was just getting in the hot tub with a little fat guy with big feet. Anyhow, did you say something?"  
  
Fannie runs screaming. Ray shrugs and begins to lecture those around him on why the sky is blue, grass green, ashes black, and why men should not be faggots. It took days to make them all understand. Finally, an elf with dark hair stood and spoke.  
  
"I am Elrond - hear me speak. Since you seem to contain so much useless information, you will go to Mordor with the Ring bearer and kill a baker's dozen killer min-pins in the fires of Mount Doom as a peace offering. "  
  
"O.K., but wait - you all need a golfing lesson! Follow me!"  
  
Intermission  
  
Three elves appear and begin to sing the opening song for the Hello Kitty movies:  
  
"Hel-lo Kit-tie, Play with us to-day. Hel-li Kit-tie, It's a bright and sun-nie day..."  
  
and so on, and so on, etcetera, etcetera, etcetera. Then the Intermission ends, and we find that the Fellowship is not leaving Rivendell, which is filled with unconscious bodies. In order to liven up their march, the Fellowship began to sing one of the new victory songs they had learned during their golfing lesson:  
  
"Now we are on our way to Mordor.  
  
Ear-li-er, we learned to hit balls, sing songs, break dance and yell FORE!  
  
Now we real-ly want to know why ex-act-ly we are go-ing to Mor-dor?  
  
Per-haps it is to destroy a ring Legolas: That tacky ring! Sam: Or perhaps it is just because I am very confused? Aragorn: Or that we want to die? Whatever it is, we will conclude this tune with a joyful shout of FORE! 


	3. The Pass and a Great Need for Reveiws!

Chapter 3 - The Pass, and A GREAT NEED FOR REVEIWS!!!!!!!  
  
Look, people, I am in a dire need for reveiws. Please help! REVEIW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
*)*)*)*)*)*)*)*)*)*)*)*)*)*)*)*)*)*)*)*)*)*)*)*)*)*)*)*)*)*)*)*)*)*)*)*)*)*)*)*)*)*)*)  
  
When the Fellowship (plus a pair of quarrelling old people) had finished the song, they had reached the pass. Apparently, Fannie's fridge/freezer appears, strapped to her back.   
  
"Ray! Get this S**t-ish thing off my back!"  
  
she shouted. Ray did not notice - he was lecturing about angles. Everyone was eating popcicles - Every Flavor Popcicles. Fannie managed to drop the fridge/freezer. Several boxes of every flavor popcicles fell out.   
  
"Look," said Ray, "we could build a bridge out of these popcicle sticks! Get eating!"  
  
Sam grabbed a booger flavored one. Frodo took a horse raddish flavored one, and Boromir took an earwax one. The list goes on and on. Slowly, due to the excessive pileing up of sticks, the mountain doubled in size. Then an Elmer's glustick appears in Ray's hand. He begins the bridge.  
  
"Hi ho, hi ho..."  
  
he sang. Then he went into the speeding mode Neo in the Matrix likes to go into. Fanny is scared out of her wits, and a circle of yellow ice is formed at her left foot. Then, the Fellowship starts getting sick as they cross the first portion of the bridge. Then they fall, and land on top of a casino, next to a Big Lots and a Dollar Genral store. It is obviouse that the begin to stuff themselves silly at the Casino's buffet, then forcing all that down with Crack - o - Pop party mix from the Dollar Genral. They pay no attention to the Big Lots store.  
  
After they laid on their backs, digesting for a week or so, they began the long climb back up the mountain, made harder by the load of doggie bags from the casino. And, for the second time, started accross the bridge, only to fall through again - strait to the door to Maria.  
  
&%&%&%&%&%&%&%&%&%&%&%&%&%&%&%&%&%&%&%&%&%&%&  
  
'If you sprinkle  
  
while you tinkle,  
  
be a sweetie,  
  
whipe the seatie!"  
  
(The above poem borrowed from a sign I saw in the bathroom of an antique shop in New Orleans. I do not own it.)  
  
So, how was this chappie? Better or worse than the last two? Reveiw and tell me! 


End file.
